Lukeman Exercise Part Two | Robin Cole

I want to create impact with dashes. In the piece I chose to work with there were no dashes, just a zillion commas.

Ten hour days of working in the sun, bleeding from clay roof tiles as I lay beneath the sign, "Educacion Especial," lead-based primer dripping into my mouth and hair.

The original drones on forever, and a pointed moment is completely run over by the quotations later in the sentence.

Ten hour days of working in the sun - bleeding from clay roof tiles - I lay beneath the sign, "Educacion Especial," lead-based primer dripping into my mouth and hair.

With the double dashes supporting the aside, I feel that the sentence (at least the first half) flows the way I intended.

I also found another section that would be perfect for colon usage:

Paper plate balanced on thin legs, leaning against the cracked blue plaster she whispered, "¿Cuánto cuestan tus ojos verdes?" I could not answer.

Although the comma preceding the dialogue works just fine, especially with the young girl whispering, her words come at the end of a paragraph and demand more attention.

Paper plate balanced on thin legs, leaning against the cracked blue plaster she whispered: "¿Cuánto cuestan tus ojos verdes?" I could not answer.

With the colon, her words are really set off. The finality of the last sentence also complements colon usage.