Lukeman Exercise Part 1 | Bree Seely
ASSIGN.: Choose a page from your work and remove all qualifications or asides, along with their commas. For some writers, who rarely use these, this will have little impact. For others, it will make a tremendous difference. How does it read now? Can you apply this principle to any other sentences throughout your work?
This is just an excerpt from a short story I'm writing but I use commas alot in it.
Original:
I woke up today, just like any other day, hanging in Paul's closet, chillin' by my buddy T-Shirt. Paul had opened the closet door and was going through the daily "POTO," or "Picking Of The Outfit." He'd been favoring black lately (he'd been in a sour mood), but today he had a smile on his face. He shuffled through his shirts until he came to my friend T-Shirt. Paul pulled T-Shirt out of the closet, took him off the hanger, and put him on. He strode to the window, opened it and stuck his head out. He quickly withdrew back into the room with a shudder, walked back to the closet, and pulled me, Favorite Sweater, out and put me on. I got to go out today! I was jubilant as I hung carelessly on Paul's shoulders. I got to spend the day with Paul AND my buddy T-Shirt! Needless to say, I was elated!
Our first stop today was for breakfast at a gas station next to the school. Paul was in this habit of buying a breakfast burrito and hot chocolate , no matter the weather, for breakfast every morning. Since it was a habit, it was quick and painless, no dawdling in the aisles looking for something else to spend money on. He entered the gas station, grabbed a burrito and stuck it in the microwave. He wanted it warm today, considering it was cold outside. As the burrito was being nuke, Paul picked up a cup, filled it with steaming hot cocoa, put a lid on and stuck a straw in the little opening. By then the burrito was done and he was headed to the register. $4.56 was exchanged between customer and cashier, Paul always had the exact amount, and the journey to school continued. This little ritual only took up 3 minutes and 45 seconds of his day. We got into his car and headed to school.
Revised without Commas:
I woke up today just like any other day hanging in Paul's closet chillin' by my buddy T-Shirt. Paul had opened the closet door and was going through the daily "POTO" or "Picking Of The Outfit." He'd been favoring black lately he'd been in a sour mood but today he had a smile on his face. He shuffled through his shirts until he came to my friend T-Shirt. Paul pulled T-Shirt out of the closet took him off the hanger and put him on. He strode to the window opened it and stuck his head out. He quickly withdrew back into the room with a shudder walked back to the closet and pulled me Favorite Sweater out and put me on. I got to go out today! I was jubilant as I hung carelessly on Paul's shoulders. I got to spend the day with Paul AND my buddy T-Shirt! Needless to say I was elated!
Our first stop today was for breakfast at a gas station next to the school. Paul was in this habit of buying a breakfast burrito and hot chocolate no matter the weather for breakfast every morning. Since it was a habit it was quick and painless no dawdling in the aisles looking for something else to spend money on. He entered the gas station grabbed a burrito and stuck it in the microwave. He wanted it warm today considering it was cold outside. As the burrito was being nuke Paul picked up a cup filled it with steaming hot cocoa put a lid on and stuck a straw in the little opening. By then the burrito was done and he was headed to the register. $4.56 was exchanged between customer and cashier Paul always had the exact amount and the journey to school continued. This little ritual only took up 3 minutes and 45 seconds of his day. We got into his car and headed to school.
Without commas my writing is very... confusing. Thoughts blend together and don't make very much sense. The commas set actions apart from each other in these excerpts. There's a list of Paul's actions and without the commas everything seems chaotic and jumbled together. I use commas alot to distinct certain thoughts and actions. I can apply this to anything I write. I am an avid fan of commas. They help me connect my thoughts in ways that no other punctuation does.
This is just an excerpt from a short story I'm writing but I use commas alot in it.
Original:
I woke up today, just like any other day, hanging in Paul's closet, chillin' by my buddy T-Shirt. Paul had opened the closet door and was going through the daily "POTO," or "Picking Of The Outfit." He'd been favoring black lately (he'd been in a sour mood), but today he had a smile on his face. He shuffled through his shirts until he came to my friend T-Shirt. Paul pulled T-Shirt out of the closet, took him off the hanger, and put him on. He strode to the window, opened it and stuck his head out. He quickly withdrew back into the room with a shudder, walked back to the closet, and pulled me, Favorite Sweater, out and put me on. I got to go out today! I was jubilant as I hung carelessly on Paul's shoulders. I got to spend the day with Paul AND my buddy T-Shirt! Needless to say, I was elated!
Our first stop today was for breakfast at a gas station next to the school. Paul was in this habit of buying a breakfast burrito and hot chocolate , no matter the weather, for breakfast every morning. Since it was a habit, it was quick and painless, no dawdling in the aisles looking for something else to spend money on. He entered the gas station, grabbed a burrito and stuck it in the microwave. He wanted it warm today, considering it was cold outside. As the burrito was being nuke, Paul picked up a cup, filled it with steaming hot cocoa, put a lid on and stuck a straw in the little opening. By then the burrito was done and he was headed to the register. $4.56 was exchanged between customer and cashier, Paul always had the exact amount, and the journey to school continued. This little ritual only took up 3 minutes and 45 seconds of his day. We got into his car and headed to school.
Revised without Commas:
I woke up today just like any other day hanging in Paul's closet chillin' by my buddy T-Shirt. Paul had opened the closet door and was going through the daily "POTO" or "Picking Of The Outfit." He'd been favoring black lately he'd been in a sour mood but today he had a smile on his face. He shuffled through his shirts until he came to my friend T-Shirt. Paul pulled T-Shirt out of the closet took him off the hanger and put him on. He strode to the window opened it and stuck his head out. He quickly withdrew back into the room with a shudder walked back to the closet and pulled me Favorite Sweater out and put me on. I got to go out today! I was jubilant as I hung carelessly on Paul's shoulders. I got to spend the day with Paul AND my buddy T-Shirt! Needless to say I was elated!
Our first stop today was for breakfast at a gas station next to the school. Paul was in this habit of buying a breakfast burrito and hot chocolate no matter the weather for breakfast every morning. Since it was a habit it was quick and painless no dawdling in the aisles looking for something else to spend money on. He entered the gas station grabbed a burrito and stuck it in the microwave. He wanted it warm today considering it was cold outside. As the burrito was being nuke Paul picked up a cup filled it with steaming hot cocoa put a lid on and stuck a straw in the little opening. By then the burrito was done and he was headed to the register. $4.56 was exchanged between customer and cashier Paul always had the exact amount and the journey to school continued. This little ritual only took up 3 minutes and 45 seconds of his day. We got into his car and headed to school.
Without commas my writing is very... confusing. Thoughts blend together and don't make very much sense. The commas set actions apart from each other in these excerpts. There's a list of Paul's actions and without the commas everything seems chaotic and jumbled together. I use commas alot to distinct certain thoughts and actions. I can apply this to anything I write. I am an avid fan of commas. They help me connect my thoughts in ways that no other punctuation does.
Labels: Bree Seely, burrito, commas, gas station, sweater
posted by bree.a.tanner | 10:18 PM
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