Lukeman Exercise Part One | Melissa Erickson
ORIGINAL PARAGRAPH:
Once again girls, we only saw a split moment of this heinous crime. Please do not expect us to leap off our porch, and run to you hysterically screaming about details we have no way of even possibly knowing. The story was simple. We told you everything. It would be wrong of us to tell you the story of three, perfectly described men who crept through the night so that they may gaze upon the women they love. However, since the blinds were drawn, they were filled with rage and beat against the glass in the anger of their true heart’s desires being hidden away.It would also not be ethical of us to tell you the story of three lost Chipendale dancers who were knocking against windows in desperation for a place to stay and shield themselves from the biting 80 degree weather. Once inside, they would express their gratitude by performing a spectacular dance number for you, and perhaps even marry some of you. Since you were too late to come to the window, they darted down the street and ended up staying at your best friend’s apartment. You will be getting a wedding invitation in two weeks.
REVISED WITH SEMICOLONS:
Once again girls, we only saw a split moment of this heinous crime. Please do not expect us to leap off our porch, and run to you hysterically screaming about details we have no way of even possibly knowing. The story was simple; we told you everything. It would be wrong of us to tell you the story of three, perfectly described men who crept through the night so that they may gaze upon the women they love; however, since the blinds were drawn, they were filled with rage and beat against the glass in the anger of their true heart’s desires being hidden away.It would also not be ethical of us to tell you the story of three lost Chipendale dancers who were knocking against windows in desperation for a place to stay and shield themselves from the biting 80 degree weather. Once inside, they would express their gratitude by performing a spectacular dance number for you, and perhaps even marry some of you. Since you were too late to come to the window, they darted down the street and ended up staying at your best friend’s apartment; you will be getting a wedding invitation in two weeks.
I ended up adding three semicolons (highlighted in red.) Alot of my sentences seem too short to end with a period, and by adding a semicolon it reduced the "chopiness" and seemed to make it flow alot better. The paragraph now has sentences that are similar length, instead of when it had shorter ones that changed the tempo.
Once again girls, we only saw a split moment of this heinous crime. Please do not expect us to leap off our porch, and run to you hysterically screaming about details we have no way of even possibly knowing. The story was simple. We told you everything. It would be wrong of us to tell you the story of three, perfectly described men who crept through the night so that they may gaze upon the women they love. However, since the blinds were drawn, they were filled with rage and beat against the glass in the anger of their true heart’s desires being hidden away.It would also not be ethical of us to tell you the story of three lost Chipendale dancers who were knocking against windows in desperation for a place to stay and shield themselves from the biting 80 degree weather. Once inside, they would express their gratitude by performing a spectacular dance number for you, and perhaps even marry some of you. Since you were too late to come to the window, they darted down the street and ended up staying at your best friend’s apartment. You will be getting a wedding invitation in two weeks.
REVISED WITH SEMICOLONS:
Once again girls, we only saw a split moment of this heinous crime. Please do not expect us to leap off our porch, and run to you hysterically screaming about details we have no way of even possibly knowing. The story was simple; we told you everything. It would be wrong of us to tell you the story of three, perfectly described men who crept through the night so that they may gaze upon the women they love; however, since the blinds were drawn, they were filled with rage and beat against the glass in the anger of their true heart’s desires being hidden away.It would also not be ethical of us to tell you the story of three lost Chipendale dancers who were knocking against windows in desperation for a place to stay and shield themselves from the biting 80 degree weather. Once inside, they would express their gratitude by performing a spectacular dance number for you, and perhaps even marry some of you. Since you were too late to come to the window, they darted down the street and ended up staying at your best friend’s apartment; you will be getting a wedding invitation in two weeks.
I ended up adding three semicolons (highlighted in red.) Alot of my sentences seem too short to end with a period, and by adding a semicolon it reduced the "chopiness" and seemed to make it flow alot better. The paragraph now has sentences that are similar length, instead of when it had shorter ones that changed the tempo.
Labels: Lukeman, Melissa Erickson, punctuation
posted by Melissa Erickson | 11:11 AM
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