Lukeman Excercise Part One | Benjamin Dowse
I took a paragraph I'm working on and decided to combine some of the short sentences to help it to flow better. I'm not sure it worked. I decided a halfway point would be better and the third paragraph demonstrates what I believe to be a happy medium.
Original:
This was the culmination of a lifetime of hunting. Only one animal from the "big 10" remained to be killed. The buffalo had been elusive to him because of the price involved with being able to hunt one. Now was his chance. Here on this range there were buffalo, and he had already paid for the opportunity to shoot one. He looked forward to the challenge. Waiting in the green shadows, he heard as they rounded the buffalo in his direction, he tensed with anticipation. Charging into the middle of the clearing, there it was, he sized it up in his scope.
Combined into two long sentences:
The culmination of a lifetime of hunting, only one animal from the "big 10" remained to be killed, an animal which had been elusive to him because of the prohibitive price of hunting opportunities; the buffalo. Now was his chance on this range where there were buffalo, he had already paid for the opportunity to shoot one and he looked forward to the challenge, waiting in the green shadows, hearing as they rounded the buffalo in his direction; he tensed with anticipation as the buffalo charged into the middle of the clearing and he sized it up in his scope.
Here is a compromise between the two (I think this one flows best):
Here it was, the culmination of a lifetime of hunting. There was only one animal from the "big 10" that he hadn't yet killed, and this animal had only been elusive because of the prohibitive price of hunting opportunities. Now was his chance for the buffalo. He had already paid for the opportunity to shoot one of the buffalo on this range and he greatly looked forward to the challenge. Waiting in green shadow, he heard as they rounded the buffalo toward him. As he tensed in anticipation, the buffalo charged into the middle of the clearing. He sized it up in his scope.
Original:
This was the culmination of a lifetime of hunting. Only one animal from the "big 10" remained to be killed. The buffalo had been elusive to him because of the price involved with being able to hunt one. Now was his chance. Here on this range there were buffalo, and he had already paid for the opportunity to shoot one. He looked forward to the challenge. Waiting in the green shadows, he heard as they rounded the buffalo in his direction, he tensed with anticipation. Charging into the middle of the clearing, there it was, he sized it up in his scope.
Combined into two long sentences:
The culmination of a lifetime of hunting, only one animal from the "big 10" remained to be killed, an animal which had been elusive to him because of the prohibitive price of hunting opportunities; the buffalo. Now was his chance on this range where there were buffalo, he had already paid for the opportunity to shoot one and he looked forward to the challenge, waiting in the green shadows, hearing as they rounded the buffalo in his direction; he tensed with anticipation as the buffalo charged into the middle of the clearing and he sized it up in his scope.
Here is a compromise between the two (I think this one flows best):
Here it was, the culmination of a lifetime of hunting. There was only one animal from the "big 10" that he hadn't yet killed, and this animal had only been elusive because of the prohibitive price of hunting opportunities. Now was his chance for the buffalo. He had already paid for the opportunity to shoot one of the buffalo on this range and he greatly looked forward to the challenge. Waiting in green shadow, he heard as they rounded the buffalo toward him. As he tensed in anticipation, the buffalo charged into the middle of the clearing. He sized it up in his scope.
Labels: Benjamin Dowse, Lukeman, punctuation
posted by Benjamin | 9:21 AM
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