Lukeman Exercise 3 | Melissa Erickson

I know...I know. After what seems like forever, I finally got my blogger account to work. It really only cost a few hours of internal pain, frustration, and extreme homicidal feelings toward everything electronic or technical. So really; not a big deal. Again, thank you so much for your patience!

LUKEMAN EXCERCISE THREE

I am really glad I received the opportunity to read this book, and apply it to works I had already written. I've never been one for "correct" punctuation. I would always just cruise along, plopping commas in wherever I "felt like it." Reading Lukeman gave me a better understanding of the effect punctuation has on writing when used properly.

I have never realized the power that a colon could have when used correctly. It really made something of importance stand out from the rest of the text.
Using semi-colons helped my work too by making it flow alot better together, rather than have a whole bunch of short sentences. The semi-colon connected this sentences, and the piece flowed much more smoothly. Of course, these are only a few examples from what I learned in this section; there are so many more things that I've taken into account after my reading.

While I still tend to overuse commas, and sometimes forget there are other types of punctuation, I am beginning to judge my work more and more, and apply semi-colons, colons, quotations, and the various other marks we learned about in Lukeman's book.

Lukeman really made me see what my style with punctuation was, and how my work could be greatly improved by using the marks he explained very clearly in his book.

Lukeman Exercise 3 | Corinn B. Sessions

At the end of the book in section three, Lukeman cautions us as writers not to use certain punctuation marks, and if we ever did for stylistic purposes, to use them rarely. I just want to see if I can actually write something using all of the "hands off" marks: the question mark? And the exclamation point! As well as italics....ellipsis...and the hyphen-mark. (I've already violated so many rules. It's fun!) Underline, [brackets], and bold were completely off limits! I'm not sure I can use them.

Well, I guess I already did that exercise. I bet I failed.

Lukeman Exercise 2 | Katrina Cox

I usually go out of my way to avoid using colons in my writing, whether writing prose or poetry. I chose an exerise that had me look at an ending of one of my writings and try ending it with a colon. The difference was absolutely stunning! When I used a colon at the end, I also revised some of the words as well.

Original:

I remember standing at the coffin side, my Uncle Sean from my mother’s side of the family gazing at me in sympathy. His eyes held so much concern, so much sorrow. He looked so miserable at the helplessness of the situation. He, too, looked so old. The shine had left his clear blue eyes, leaving his normally beautiful eyes hard and dead. He reflected the attitude of the flowers. He reflected how I was so dead inside as I gazed in numbness at that horrible coffin. The wind tangled my hair in every direction and chilled my insides. My fingers were a pale purple and all feeling from my knees down had been lost. My nose was deepening to a fine crimson color and tears strained my exhausted and sore eyes. I just stared at the sealed lid. I just stared at the cruel flowers. I stared. I barely heard myself as my lips uttered those hollow words that still haunt me these many years later. Those words, which made me into the young poet and novelist I am. Those words, which gave me another area of fine arts that Granni was so proud of before Gramps passed away. Those horrible, horrible words. The tears flowed freely then. I didn’t even bother to raise my hand and wipe them away. They just streamed from my red eyes and down my frozen cheeks, finally dripping to the dead, frozen earth. They froze instantly, marking the spot where the one who so greatly lifted the family up would lie after the viewing the following morning. Those icy words…those horrible, horrible words.

“God, be with you until we meet again. I love you, Gramps.”


With using a colon:

I remember standing at the coffin side, my Uncle Sean from my mother’s side of the family gazing at me in sympathy. His eyes held so much concern, so much sorrow. He looked so miserable at the helplessness of the situation. He, too, looked so old. The shine had left his clear blue eyes, leaving his normally beautiful eyes hard and dead. He reflected the attitude of the flowers. He reflected how I was so dead inside as I gazed in numbness at that horrible coffin. The wind tangled my hair in every direction and chilled my insides. My fingers were a pale purple and all feeling from my knees down had been lost. My nose was deepening to a fine crimson color and tears strained my exhausted and sore eyes. I just stared at the sealed lid. I just stared at the cruel flowers. I stared. The tears flowed freely; I didn’t even bother to raise my hand and wipe them away. They just streamed from my red eyes and down my frozen cheeks, finally dripping to the dead, frozen earth. They crystalized instantly, marking the spot where the one who so greatly lifted the family up would lie after the viewing the following morning. I barely heard myself utter the words that meant he was truly gone. The words that have continued to haunt me throughout these many years: “God, be with you until we meet again. I love you, Gramps.”

Lukeman Excercise Part Two | Brian Wall

In this paragraph I tried adding some parenthesis and dashes as an experiment to see the effect on my writing.

Dark clouds rolled forebodingly above the pine encrusted hills. An unforgiving, bitter cold wind rushed down over the rocky ledges – winter had come in strong this year -- and stung the young boy’s face. Surely another winter blizzard was eminent. He slowly pushed aside one of the pine boughs (which the wind was blowing repeatedly in his face) and attempted to get a better view of the surrounding. Trying not to knock the snow from the branch, he gazed intently in the direction from whence he had come. His hands were turning red from the cold and began to throb – they were already wet from the trek he had made thus far through the snow -- as he tightly gripped the rough bark trunk. Shifting his feet on the slick branch twenty feet in the air, he shrunk farther into the branches to keep himself from view, while peering through the long needles toward the ground.

I very rarely, if ever, use parenthesis and dashes. I think that by introducing these marks into my work, it gives more detail into what exactly is going on in the scene. It gives more information that may help the reader better understand the position and circumstances of the character. I believe that I will now use more dashes and parenthesis to add a new aspect to my writing.

Lukeman Exercise Part Two | William B. Gray

I decided to shorten paragraphs. To keep the sense in it, I didn't really change anything, so it mainly just adjusts the timing of the piece.

Here's the revised edition: (here's the original)

The wind howled outside my bedroom window. I knew it was cold. I still wanted to be out shooting pictures of the night. Mom said I'd catch a cold. I didn't care about that.

There were so many things to explore at night. First there were the stars. They called me to take pictures of them with my shutter open for hours. I'd bundle up to stay warm. Mom didn't care. She'd never understand. But I just had to go out in to the night.

It snowed yesterday too. There's a full moon tonight. I couldn't wait for the day to take pictures of the snow and the moon. The sun would ruin everything. I'd have to keep the shutter mostly closed. The clouds would just be in one spot in the picture. With the shutter open I could let the clouds move softly across the frame.

The wind still howled. I decided to defy Mom and take pictures of the night without her permission. I opened my window to check the temperature. The wind took my breath away. It had to be well below zero. I gathered up the camera and some film. Then I grabbed my tripod and a coat.

Where are my gloves? I couldn't find them. I tried to think of where I left them. Then I remembered. In my coat pockets. They were right where I left them. I crept through the door. Mom might be awake. I had to be quiet so that I didn't disturb her. I tip-toed down the stairs. I tried to avoid the noisy stairs. Finally I opened the back door. I stepped out into the cold.

Lukeman Exercise Part Two | Lara Bennett

Before:

Kevin opened his yellow '65 Cadillac's door for me. Music poured out the sides. "Celebrate! Celebrate!" Kool and the Gang sang. We drove down the empty main street, passing closed down shops and bars, singing along with the ancient radio and cracking jokes as if we'd been best friends for years.

We pulled up to a house and walked throuh the graden gate into the backyard. Broken glass was scattered upon the floor, reflecting the colorful strands of christmas lights upwards, giving our faces all a soft glow.

A tiny girl wearing boots with her skirt introduced herself as Cheech took my hands and pulled me into the house. She introduced me to all sorts of strange people. I met girls with multi-colored hair and cat-eyed glasses who hugged me when we met, beraggled, bearded boys taking drags of each other's cigarettes.

The walls of the house were covered in modern art and old movie posters. A group of kids were seated in the living room, watching a documentary their friend made about an epidemic in another country. Each room was painted a different color of the rainbow, and there were several staircases leading up to the bedrooms.

Zur and I descended one stairwell and discovered a circular room full of instruments. Several guitars, keyboards, accordians, a banjo, a mandolin, xylophones, ocarinas, and a few more strange music makers I'd never even heard of, were strewn across the room. On the walls, life-sized pictures of Jim Morrison, John Lennon, George Harrison, and Jimi Hendrix were watching over like guardian angels.





After:

Kevin opened his yellow '65 Cadillac's door for me. Music poured out the sides: "Celebrate! Celebrate!" Kool and the Gang sang. We drove down the empty main street, passing closed down shops and bars, singing along with the ancient radio and cracking jokes as if we'd been best friends for years.

We pulled up to a house and walked throuh the garden gate into the backyard. Broken glass was scattered upon the floor, reflecting the colorful strands of christmas lights upwards, giving our faces all a soft glow.

A tiny girl wearing boots with her skirt introduced herself as Cheech took my hands and pulled me into the house. She introduced me to all sorts of strange people: girls with multi-colored hair and cat-eyed glasses who hugged me when we met, beraggled, bearded boys taking drags of each other's cigarettes.

The walls of the house were covered in modern art and old movie posters. A group of kids were seated in the living room, watching a documentary their friend made about an epidemic in another country. Each room was painted a different color of the rainbow, and there were several staircases leading up to the bedrooms.

Zur and I descended one stairwell and discovered a circular room full of instruments: several guitars, keyboards, accordians, a banjo, a mandolin, xylophones, ocarinas, and a few more strange music makers I'd never even heard of. On the walls, life-sized pictures of Jim Morrison, John Lennon, George Harrison, and Jimi Hendrix were watching over like guardian angels.




By replacing periods and a few extra words with colons, you decrease the choppiness of certain sentences. The sentence flows more naturally, and you eliminate excess.

I rarely before used semicolons, because I was unsure of the rules, or why they would be necessary, but now I see how they can improve a work to stress points and increase a shortl phrase's effectiveness.

Lukeman Excercise Part Two/ Cherity Prince-Phillips

I picked the exercise where one needed to drop a bombshell and make it stronger by colon use. I wanted to try it in two different places.

Version: Old

He knew while brushing his teeth that it would be the last time. He smelled it in the air and it was sweet. He tasted it, so forgiving, in every breath. Night fell upon him. He opened his arms to the darkness.
He looked up at the sky when the earth surrounded his body. His soul escaped him. He closed his eyes and gave his body to the earth. Many hours passed. The sun kissed the night good day. The light came and found him there, smiling.

Version: New

He knew while brushing his teeth that it would be the last time. He smelled it in the air and it was sweet. He tasted it, so forgiving, in every breath. Night fell upon him: he opened his arms to the darkness.
He looked up at the sky: the earth surrounded his body. His soul escaped him. He closed his eyes and gave his body to the earth. Many hours passed. The sun kissed the night good day. The light came and found him there, smiling.

I like the difference it makes by setting it up, to what he was going to do. I also noticed the difference in where it stressed the meaning. I think stressing the opening to the darkness was more important than the earth surrounding him. So, I would probably take that second colon out. I want to keep it focused. I can use this technique elsewhere as long as it goes along with keeping the focus on embracing death.

Lukeman Exercise Part Two | Melissa Erickson

This is only a section of the original work:
All of a sudden, something smacked violently against the side door. We had hit something, and fear swelled within us. Screeching to a complete stop, we could see the small, crumpled outline of what could only be a child. Slowly, and dazed, we opened the door as unexplainable dread rose within us as we began to make our way over to the dark mound. Unexpectedly, the figure began to crawl away, almost in fear. Squinting against the rain, we tried to follow, only to have it again try to run from us. Lighting flashed against the dark backdrop of the sky, and for a brief moment we could see the face of the child we had hit. It’s tangled face was fused with sticks and shrubbery. Our mouths dropped with shock. The beaten down child was actually a tumbleweed.
REVISED: (Colons in Red)
All of a sudden, something smacked violently against the side door:we had hit something. Screeching to a complete stop, we could see the small, crumpled outline of what could only be a child. Slowly, and dazed, we opened the door as unexplainable dread rose within us as we began to make our way over to the dark mound. Unexpectedly, the figure began to crawl away, almost in fear. Squinting against the rain, we tried to follow, only to have it again try to run from us. Lighting flashed against the dark backdrop of the sky, and for a brief moment we could see the face of the child we had hit. It’s tangled face was fused with sticks and shrubbery. Our mouths dropped with shock. The beaten down child was: a tumbleweed.

The colons really made an impact on my work. Instead of having everything meshed together, the colons made the most important parts and focus of the work stick out; making it have alot more of an impact. The point of the story was that we had hit something in a dark road, and believed it to be a child. The first important focus of the story was that we had hit something. Seperating this from the rest of the sentence with a colon really made it stand out. When we find that it was only a weed instead of something much worse was the other main part of the story. Again, seperating it with a colon draws more attention to it, and seperates it from the rest of the descriptions in the story.

Lukeman Excercise Part Two | Benjamin Dowse

I decided to continue to work on the paragraph from excercise one because I think that the addition of a colon or two would improve it greatly. Here is the original, followed by revision including use of the colon.

Here it was, the culmination of a lifetime of hunting. There was only one animal from the "big 10" that he hadn't yet killed, and this animal had only been elusive because of the prohibitive price of hunting opportunities. Now was his chance for the buffalo. He had already paid for the opportunity to shoot one of the buffalo on this range and he greatly looked forward to the challenge. Waiting in green shadow, he heard as they rounded the buffalo toward him. As he tensed in anticipation, the buffalo charged into the middle of the clearing. He sized it up in his scope.

After a lifetime of hunting, waiting for this opportunity to finally come, he was finally here: he was ready. There was only one animal from the "big 10" that he hadn't yet killed, and this animal had only been elusive because of the prohibitive price of hunting opportunities. Now was his chance for the buffalo. He had already paid for the opportunity to shoot one of the buffalo on this range and he greatly looked forward to the challenge. Waiting in green shadow, he heard as they rounded the buffalo toward him. He tensed in anticipation, the buffalo charged into the middle of the clearing: he sized it up in his scope.

I think the addition of the colons in this paragraph make it much more dramatic. I like the way it "sounds" now.

Lukeman Excercise Part Two | Kaytlen Bennett

Before
When I went away to college, many things changed. My first week away was a great adjustment. I didn’t have my mom anymore to tell me what to do, when to do it, and how it was to be done. I was living in a new place with new people. I didn’t have my friends who’d I’d known since elementary to be the source of my social life. My usually sheltered world was breached by a new and exciting but scary reality that I was in charge. No longer could I be dependent on others to do things for me. I know now more than any other time in my life that I am truly alone.

After
When I went away to college, many things changed. My first week away was a great adjustment. I didn’t have my mom anymore to tell me what to do, when to do it, and how it was to be done. I was living in a new place with new people. I didn’t have my friends who’d I’d known since elementary to be the source of my social life. My usually sheltered world was breached by a new and exciting but scary reality that I was in charge. No longer could I be dependent on others to do things for me. I know now more than any other time in my life: I am truly alone.


I've never really used colons in my writing. I though that they were pretty much just for making lists. I never really thought that they could have that big of an impact in a piece. I feel that colons do add to dramatic revelations. I bet I could find ways to better use them in my work.

Lukeman Exercise Part Two| Cassidy Maxwell

before:
A delicate, white butterfly fleets in and out of the contrasted green sage brush. blooming with luminous yellow flowers that overwhelm the bush. the butterfly seems overwhelmed too by the copious amount of blooms. it seems she floats over the blooms trying to decide which on has the sweetest nectar, which one can tempt her to land. after tedious searching she lands suddenly, catching me by surprise. this is so opposite from her constant flutter. she sits still on the flower extracting nectar from the internal bloom. that's the only time a butterfly is still, being distracted by sweet. her white silhouette last only a moment on the sage brush, the moment now gone. the wind has picked up and she movies with it, ever more collecting more sweet nectar in order to survive.
During:
I found that my sentences can use more ump by using the dashes within my work. I mostly just use commas or start another sentence-it seems I'm afraid to distract the reader by using a dash or parentheses. I choose to use exercise 4, to spice up my writing by adding dashes or parentheses. here is my work-
After:
A delicate, White butterfly fleets in and out of the contrasted green sage-blooming with luminous yellow flowers that overwhelm the bush.
by connecting these two sentences i actually bring the reader in by adding more detail to the sage. when i had them separated by a period, i felt the reader would not know i was talking about the sage still.
After tedious searching, she lands-catching me by surprise.
by adding the dash here I add more dimension to my sentence. I get to explain what the butterfly is doing but also add my own thoughts. this brings my perspective and thoughts into the piece.

Lukeman Exercise Part Two | Chris Tash

After reading up to this point I've noticed I have always had colons and semicolons confused. Can you blame me? Should have different names! Anyway, I tend to use semicolons when I want to put the driving end point, the real meaning. I now, however, realize I've been misusing this. Oh well, live and learn. I went ahead and found a piece of writing that I've been questioning for a while. It displays my childish misuse of the semicolon and also doesn't have the opportunity to fully convey the meaning I intended.

Before:
I think the sky can begin to wilt. It's all connected to our imagination. When you look into the sky what do you see? I usually see blue, a cloud, or a sunset. Beyond that? I see dual stars wrapping around each other and a chaotic mix of dust and planets fighting around them. I see enormous, solar system scale, clouds of colored dust. The bending of time as a star exhales for the final time. And then what? I'm not sure.. So, tell me, does the sky end where my imagination ends? It has too. With that theory in mind, ask yourself when the sky ends.

After:
I think the sky can begin to wilt. It's all connected to our imagination. When you look into the sky what do you see? I usually see blue, a cloud, or a sunset. Beyond that? I see dual stars wrapping around each other and a chaotic mix of dust and planets fighting around them. I see enormous, solar system scale, clouds of colored dust. The bending of time as a star exhales for the final time. And then what? I'm not sure. The sky must end the moment my imagination does: it's required too.

I actually did a few things to this but it was all for the sake of improving the strength of the point. For starters, I decided to transform the rhetorical question into a statement. This forced me to change the wording a bit. By adding the colon I was able to give it a stronger end. 'Required' was added as well for more definite power. Lastly, the final sentence was removed. The paragraph needed to end where it started. To come full circle. Anyway, yay, I liked it.

Lukeman Exercise Two | Kelly Cannon

I read the section about the dash and parentheses because I don't have any in my work at all. Here is the original sentence:

"One such thing was the olive green washing machine. It was constantly breaking and Ben was constantly fixing it. It seemed that as soon as he got something fixed another part would break and he'd have to trudge down the stairs to the concrete basement to fix it. My uncles say you could hear him muttering behind the door of the basement. "

This is my revision:

One such thing was the olive green washing machine. It was constantly breaking and Ben was constantly fixing it. It seemed that as soon as he got something fixed another part would break and he'd have to trudge down the stairs to the concrete basement to fix it--muttering behind the door.

I really didn't like the sentence, "My uncles say you could hear him muttering behind the door of the basement." so I thought adding a double dash could fix it a bit. It sounds better and makes the idea sound more like apart of the rest of the paragraph.

Lukeman Part 1 | Keisha McGovern

Choose a sentence from your work that might be confusing to the reader, or perhaps too open for interpretation.
When I was a little girl, my brother and I had these two fishes who were beta's. They were our favorite because of all the wonderful colors they had on them. These were the only pets we could have because we lived in an apartment complex that did not allow other animals excepts fish. Well when we were both younger, my parents divorced and my dad had visitation in the summer time. So when summer came, we had to leave our wonderful fishes with my mom; who promised she would take very good care of them. So my brother and I went on with our daily lives for the summer having fun with my dad and family. It was time to go back home to my moms house, and we were so excited to see our fishes. We ran right into the house and my mom sat there and told us that she had some bad news, we were like OK. She said that when she went to clean our fish bowls, she forgot to add water to the bowl when she put the fishes back and killed them. We were both heartbroken, because to us these were our pals. Needless to say my mother had a new nickname, " the fish killer."

Lukeman Exercise One | Katrina Cox

This is from the exercise where I'm supposed to think of a character who thinks in long sentences. That said, here is how I've decided to portray her:

Look at her, that smug little brat who stares at me behind bushy bangs with the scowl across her face. Who does she think she is, openly mocking and judging me every chance she gets. How dare she have such audacity as to scrutinize me every morning, every afternoon, every evening, every time I walk by her, every time I think of her, and every time she wants to see me. Look at her with her hands at her hips, pulling down the horribly plain, gray sweater over her midrift--as if that will save her from everyone knowing that she's a whore! Anyone can tell she's a whore just by the way she slumps as she walks from class to class, holding her binders up close to her flat chest with her chin resting atop, her eyes avidly averting to the floor.

She disgusts me with her plaid skirt that reaches past her ankles and drags on the floor due to her vertically-challenged height. Her baggy, ugly sweater that hangs limply from her child-like shoulders droops down past her waist and hips, hiding any chance of her to prove she's older than a thirteen-year-old via curves.

I don't know why she bothers plastering her ashen-white skin with makeup by CoverGirl or Mary Kay. Go ahead, girly, wipe that eyeshadow across your eyelids and draw eyeliner on both top and bottom of those same eyelids. Plump up your already full crimson lips with lip liner and lip stick while making them shine with lip gloss.

Run your fingers through your long, thick, coarse mane of hair. Uh, Rapunzel called; she'd like her rug back, please. Another bad hair day it seems, you're pulling the scrunchy from your wrist and flicking your head down and up, holding that mane in your hands. One, two, three times wrapped around that hair, tighten ever so slightly, and now you're wearing a ponytail.
I can't stand seeing that girl every morning, every evening, and every chance she gets to find me. I hate watching her fake a smile and pretend she's an accepted one; someone popular and loved. She makes my stomach twist up in knots when I think of her walking out into the REAL world, where she'd have to face the reality of who she really is and how she REALLY doesn't belong anywhere.

I can't stand it anymore!

Girl in my mirror...who are you kidding?

Lukeman Exercise Part 1 | Little

TASK: Begin a new piece of creative writing. Write for an entire page without using a single comma. How does it affect the writing? The story? The character? Can you incorporate any of this into your greater work?

Doritos and sunflower seeds and diet coke and water lots and lots of water. That's what decided to make a visit on my lovely drive home. Orange slimy chunky liquid just kept coming. It wouldn't stop.

I was stressing over some recent events that have occurred over the past month and decided to take a mini-vacation. Boy was that a bad idea. Basically I have decided that you just have to suck it up and deal otherwise you will just go crazy trying to fix other people and their bad attitudes. This is not to say that I haven't known this before now but now I am openly adamant that it is just a total waste of my time.

I was having a good time relaxing and soaking in all of my free time doing what I wanted and nothing more. Now I am a very responsible person and for all sakes and purposes I will go out of my way even if it becomes a pain in my ass to make sure I do the responsible thing. I was no different this time but mother nature no no no I'd be lying if I gave her too much credit but it was just my biology that had other plans. The stress even though I tried to relax of being so perfect or trying to be was too much for my body and boy did it let me know.

It wasn't fifteen minutes into the drive home before the contents of my inner-workings started to reveal themselves as if to say hello you bastard long time no see! It was an orange nightmare but luckily I had some protection and a slight warning of the coup d'etat that had decided to mount the attack at that very moment. I grabbed my thin yet ever-so-thick-enough blue-tinted Wal-Mart sack complete with yellow smiley face. Boy was I happy to have something left in my car to protect me from the spewing agent orange. I usually complain about not having a tidy car because it is a reflection (even if somewhat self-imposed) of my persona. People see my car and they catch a slight glimpse into my life and I would just roll-over and die if they thought I was unorganized though I'm not so sure why that is.

The incident did not end my dealings with the darkside but they continued throughout the night and on into the next day. That damned overthrow performed by my lovely and apparently unhappy digestive tract were intruding on my schoolwork. And damnit no one comes between me and responsibility ever! But the orange nightmare wouldn't end. I was forced to miss my classes not because I wanted to but because I had started to walk to class and the urge to reveal my true colors would contain itself no longer. I was doomed. And I know what you are thinking most kids would jump at the chance hell they'd even pay for a good excuse as this but still to me it was an excuse.

I had to make an executive decision and barricade myself from exposing anyone else with my toxic sludge and so I stayed home. I eventually made it to the doctor's office and they made sure that I got an appointment and was ordered to rest and do nothing. That's the killer to not be able to do anything when you have so much to do. Again you probably think why is she complaining and I tell you because I cannot be idle. It will kill me.

I will not find out until tomorrow what the verdict is in this ongoing trial but I will be sure and let you know if it is life-threatening. Then again I could be unable as it could take me at any momeeeeeemmnjbhgfgfvub

NOTES: Wow. That was harder than I thought. I didn't think it would be hard, but I tend to emphasize things when I write. I guess commas can be overwhelming as well. But in this exercise I realized how important they are to writing, and they help clarify the misunderstood when they are used properly. I re-read this a few dozen times, and without the commas I find myself reading slower and not remembering what it was that I meant by saying some of the things I wrote. I also seem to ramble when I describe things, at least it seems that way to myself. It was eye-opening to say the least.

Lukeman Excercise Part One | Marjorie Riches

Original:
We were all fine though until we saw them. Little glowing eyes in the woods next to the stream where we had gutted our fish. Great, there were bears on the island. All of a sudden our little campout didn't seem so fun.

New Sentence:
All of a sudden our little unplanned, makeshift campout in the middle of nowhere with no food and no idea of where we were at didn't seem so fun.

In context:
We were all fine though until we saw them. Little glowing eyes in the woods next to the stream where we had gutted our fish. Great, there were bears on the island. All of a sudden our little unplanned, makeshift campout in the middle of nowhere with no food and no idea of where we were at didn't seem so fun.

Lukeman Exercise Part One | Tyson Pulsipher

I took one of my sentences that was longer, and made it into short choppy sentences. To me it seems effective, as it kind of builds dramatically on what is about to happen in the story. Also, the sentences following the revision are longer, so I feel it mixes it up a bit.

Original:
My brother went first, he always did, I don’t think it was because he was fearless, but because he wanted to show me that he was tougher than I was.

Revised:
My brother went first. He always did. I don't think it was because he was fearless. He just wanted to show me that he was tougher. He had some trouble getting down, and the ladder almost fell out from under him, but he made it. I had witnessed the whole thing though, and I could see in my mind that ladder falling out from underneath me, and my body crashing to the ground, falling on top of the ladder, breaking bones and all sorts of other things.

Lukeman Exercise Part 1 | Samantha Gay

I have trouble with using too many commas in my writing, so I started a new piece of fiction and wrote a page without using a single comma.

The children laughed as they ran up the green sloping hill. They had just escaped from their mothers’ watchful gaze and were running into the trees. It would be fun to play their game of hide and seek there. Kyle reached the edge of the woods before any of the other children did and turned to watch them as they came running through the long grass of the field. They weren’t too far behind him. Kyle folded his arms and waited patiently. He was the oldest of the children and felt responsible for his younger sisters and cousins. They trusted him and looked up to him; he was nearly ten after all.
Soon the other children had joined him in the shade of the trees.
“What game should we play?” He asked as he looked around the circle of children.
“Indians and settlers!” Alex shouted excitedly.
“Pirates!” Sam shouted at the same time. The two boys glared at each other but Jane’s shout distracted them.
“I want to play princesses and princes.” Jane declared. “And so do Kyle and Chris.”
Kyle felt annoyed. He hadn’t said anything about wanting to play that game. It sounded boring.
“No I don’t.” Kyle announced angrily. “I wanted to play Three Musketeers.”
The other children looked at him and then at each other.
“What kind of a game is that?” Kayla asked. “What is a musketeers?”
“A musketeer is a sword person. They are in book that my Daddy is reading. He told me about it last night.” Kyle said as he picked up a long tree branch and gave it an experimental swing. “It’s about four men who are really good at sword fighting and all of their battles.” He brandished the tree branch in Sam’s direction. “I wanted Daddy to read it to me but he said that I was too young.”
The other children perked up at this. A forbidden story was interesting.
“Can it have princesses in it?” Jane asked and her big eyes looked at Kyle eagerly.
“I guess so.” Kyle said distractedly; he was fencing with Alex. He added quickly. “But only if we musketeers don’t have to get married to you.”
Jane and Kayla clapped their hands and smiled.
“Ok! This will be fun! You will have to fight to free us from the evil bad-guys and swear to protect us forever!”
Kyle dodged a blow from Sam.
“Alright.” He said vaguely to Jane as he fought. Girls could be so boring sometimes. Why were the knights in stories always rescuing damsels? If he were a knight he wouldn’t have wasted time with girls; he would have used time far more wisely by conquering the world.
Kyle lunged forward and drew his stick across Alex’s chest. “You’re dead!”
Alex collapsed on the ground and groaned.
“Arrgg…you’ve killed me!”
Sam wiped his brow and stared down at his brother.
“Arg? We aren’t pirates. We are musketeers!”
“What do we say then?” Alex asked as he stood.
“I’ll show you.” Kyle said and held his stick high in the air.
“All for one and one for all!” He yelled.
Sam and Alex held their sticks up and shouted with him.
“All for one and one for all!”

Without commas it was really difficult not to let the sentences get too choppy and to keep the work flowing. It kind of worked, since my characters were children and the short sentences made the piece seem more childlike. It was really hard not to use a single comma, and I had to correct myself several times when I would automatically use them. This assignment also made me realize how much I appreciate the comma in writing, and was good practice for varying sentences in my larger works.

Lukeman Exercise Part One | Lara Bennett

Original Paragraph:
At the Starbucks on Green Valley and Pebble, a man is often found behind the bar, working the later shifts. His name is Grant. When your grande triple shot pumpkin spice frappucino is ready, he'll slam it on the counter and announce it loudly to the whole store in his deep, bellowing voice. "PUMPKIN SPICE FRAPPUCINO ON THE BAR!" he'll exclaim, causing shannon and i to erupt in a fit of giggles. Grant met his wife at the Renaissance Fair, where she was bellydancing. It was love at first sight, and one year later, at the same location where their hearts and eyes first met, they were bonded there in front of all their friends and family.
Grant is not a small man, beefy at a good 6 foot 2 inches. But his wife towers over him, especially when she wears her high heeled hiking boots. Her hair is down to her waist, even longer than his. She picks him up from work every evening and they often take out mexican food from next door.


Revised paragraph, using drastically varying sentence lengths
A man named Grant works the late shifts at Starbucks. Whn your grande triple shot pumpkin spice frappucino is ready, he'll slam it on the counter and announce loudly to the store, "PUMPKIN SPICE FRAPPUCINO ON THE BAR!", causing Shannon and I to erupt in a fit of giggles. Grant's wife is a bellydancer. They met at the Renaissance Fair. It was love at first sight, and one hear later, at the same location where their hearts and eyes first met, they were bonded in front of all their friends and family.
Grant is 6 foot 2. His wife is even taller, towering over him in her high heeled hiking boots, with hair down to her waist, even longer than his. She picks him up from work. They often take out Mexican food.

Such sentence structure causes instability, unsteadiness, and a jolty tone. A paragraph with uniform sentence lenghts gives off a more fluid, manageable, acquiescent tone.