Lukeman Exercise Part Two | Melissa Erickson

This is only a section of the original work:
All of a sudden, something smacked violently against the side door. We had hit something, and fear swelled within us. Screeching to a complete stop, we could see the small, crumpled outline of what could only be a child. Slowly, and dazed, we opened the door as unexplainable dread rose within us as we began to make our way over to the dark mound. Unexpectedly, the figure began to crawl away, almost in fear. Squinting against the rain, we tried to follow, only to have it again try to run from us. Lighting flashed against the dark backdrop of the sky, and for a brief moment we could see the face of the child we had hit. It’s tangled face was fused with sticks and shrubbery. Our mouths dropped with shock. The beaten down child was actually a tumbleweed.
REVISED: (Colons in Red)
All of a sudden, something smacked violently against the side door:we had hit something. Screeching to a complete stop, we could see the small, crumpled outline of what could only be a child. Slowly, and dazed, we opened the door as unexplainable dread rose within us as we began to make our way over to the dark mound. Unexpectedly, the figure began to crawl away, almost in fear. Squinting against the rain, we tried to follow, only to have it again try to run from us. Lighting flashed against the dark backdrop of the sky, and for a brief moment we could see the face of the child we had hit. It’s tangled face was fused with sticks and shrubbery. Our mouths dropped with shock. The beaten down child was: a tumbleweed.

The colons really made an impact on my work. Instead of having everything meshed together, the colons made the most important parts and focus of the work stick out; making it have alot more of an impact. The point of the story was that we had hit something in a dark road, and believed it to be a child. The first important focus of the story was that we had hit something. Seperating this from the rest of the sentence with a colon really made it stand out. When we find that it was only a weed instead of something much worse was the other main part of the story. Again, seperating it with a colon draws more attention to it, and seperates it from the rest of the descriptions in the story.