Lukeman Exercise, Part 2 | Rayla Gomez
*This first version shows some dialogue, but not enough character or setting description.
The swirling desert sands were so hot and confining that Elise collapsed after about an hour, according to her sense of time, of wandering over the endless desert or wherever she was. She was worn out and felt as if a scorching fire was blazing all around her. Her mouth was as dry as cotton and her face caked with sand that stuck to her face from the sweat.
"We have another one," a vague voice said in a wary tone.
"Who are you?" Elise asked. And why are you in my dream? she thought.
"We are not a part of your dream. This is the dream of everyone who is trapped here in this desert. We have been trapped here for... I don't even remember anymore. Do any of you remember how long we have been stuck here?" a tall black man said from inside a large cage. No one said anything.
He continued. "In this cage, we know everything there is to know... except how to get out of here," the black man said.
*Now here is the revised version, which sounds a lot better because although dialogue can help speed up the pace of a story, it can also lose the reader. In the revised version, I added more detail to the setting and characters in order to balance the dialogue out with the rest of the story. It flows better and gives the reader more than just a few snippets of disconnected dialogue.
The swirling desert sands were so hot and confining that Elise collapsed after about an hour, according to her sense of time, of wandering over the endless desert. She was worn out and felt as if a scorching fire was blazing all around her. Her mouth was as dry as cotton and her face caked with sand that stuck to her face from the sweat.
Elise's head drooped until it hit the ground and she panted from the heat and exhaustion she felt. She could feel sand burning into her skin but she didn't care anymore. Suddenly, Elise heard a voice beside her.
"We have another one," a vague voice said in a wary tone. Elise lifted her head and looked in the direction of the voice she had heard. Then she saw something she had not seen through the blowing sand before. A large and thick-barred cage was directly in front of her, with four people trapped inside.
"Who are you?" Elise asked. She was curious to see who these trapped people were, even if they were just a part of her dream.
A tall black man stepped forward to the bars of the cage. "We are not a part of your dream. This is the dream of everyone who is trapped here in this desert. We have been trapped here for... oh, I don't even remember anymore. Do any of you remember how long we have been stuck here?" he asked his inmates. The man looked strong, had black hair and brown eyes, and was wearing tattered clothes that looked in desperate need of washing.
In fact, all of the people that were inside of the large prison were ungroomed and positively filthy. One woman had a tattered black cloak about her, another female had an old picture clutched in her hand, and the other two men in the cage were the black man and a tall man who looked like a dirty pirate. But, nonetheless, they all looked friendly.
"How did you know what I was thinking?" Elise questioned, edging closer to the large cage.
"In this cage, we know everything there is to know... except how to get out of here," the black man said.
The swirling desert sands were so hot and confining that Elise collapsed after about an hour, according to her sense of time, of wandering over the endless desert or wherever she was. She was worn out and felt as if a scorching fire was blazing all around her. Her mouth was as dry as cotton and her face caked with sand that stuck to her face from the sweat.
"We have another one," a vague voice said in a wary tone.
"Who are you?" Elise asked. And why are you in my dream? she thought.
"We are not a part of your dream. This is the dream of everyone who is trapped here in this desert. We have been trapped here for... I don't even remember anymore. Do any of you remember how long we have been stuck here?" a tall black man said from inside a large cage. No one said anything.
He continued. "In this cage, we know everything there is to know... except how to get out of here," the black man said.
*Now here is the revised version, which sounds a lot better because although dialogue can help speed up the pace of a story, it can also lose the reader. In the revised version, I added more detail to the setting and characters in order to balance the dialogue out with the rest of the story. It flows better and gives the reader more than just a few snippets of disconnected dialogue.
The swirling desert sands were so hot and confining that Elise collapsed after about an hour, according to her sense of time, of wandering over the endless desert. She was worn out and felt as if a scorching fire was blazing all around her. Her mouth was as dry as cotton and her face caked with sand that stuck to her face from the sweat.
Elise's head drooped until it hit the ground and she panted from the heat and exhaustion she felt. She could feel sand burning into her skin but she didn't care anymore. Suddenly, Elise heard a voice beside her.
"We have another one," a vague voice said in a wary tone. Elise lifted her head and looked in the direction of the voice she had heard. Then she saw something she had not seen through the blowing sand before. A large and thick-barred cage was directly in front of her, with four people trapped inside.
"Who are you?" Elise asked. She was curious to see who these trapped people were, even if they were just a part of her dream.
A tall black man stepped forward to the bars of the cage. "We are not a part of your dream. This is the dream of everyone who is trapped here in this desert. We have been trapped here for... oh, I don't even remember anymore. Do any of you remember how long we have been stuck here?" he asked his inmates. The man looked strong, had black hair and brown eyes, and was wearing tattered clothes that looked in desperate need of washing.
In fact, all of the people that were inside of the large prison were ungroomed and positively filthy. One woman had a tattered black cloak about her, another female had an old picture clutched in her hand, and the other two men in the cage were the black man and a tall man who looked like a dirty pirate. But, nonetheless, they all looked friendly.
"How did you know what I was thinking?" Elise questioned, edging closer to the large cage.
"In this cage, we know everything there is to know... except how to get out of here," the black man said.
posted by Rayla | 9:12 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home