Lukeman Part 2

Question: Look through your work for a moment where you’d like to create an impact. To do so, can you contrast a long paragraph with a short one?
Original draft:
Shaking her head she couldn’t figure out how she landed on her feet, until she looked down and saw her, ripped apart body, bathed in blood, dead on the street, her wrist watch was glowing showing the time, 12:22 a.m.
Then like magic Pyper was not on that street anymore, but sitting on a comfortable white couch. The entire room was white, but not so white that it was blinding, the white was more comfy than anything she could think of. Her hair was dry and neatly combed; actually Pyper couldn’t remember when she ever felt so clean. She was wearing a simple white dress that fit her body perfectly and was unbelievably perfect.
A man in a white suit walked into the room. Pyper thought he looked familiar. He started speaking, his voice was so clear it made her smile.
“Hello Pyper, my name is Paul. I was an apostle after Jesus Christ was resurrected. I’m here to help you fix something that wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Changed Draft:
Shaking her head she couldn’t figure out how she landed on her feet, until she looked down and saw her ripped apart body, bathed in blood, dead on the street, her wrist watch was glowing, showing the time, 12:22 a.m. Then, like magic, Pyper was not on the street anymore, but sitting on a comfortable white couch. The entire room was white, but not so white that it was blinding, the white was more comfy than anything she could think of. Her hair was dry and neatly combed; actually Pyper couldn’t remember when she ever felt so clean. She was wearing a simple white dress that fit her body perfectly and was unbelievably perfect. A man in a white suit walked into the room. Pyper thought he looked familiar. He started speaking, his voice was so clear it made her smile.
“Hello Pyper, my name is Paul. I was an apostle after Jesus Christ was resurrected. I’m here to help you fix something that wasn’t supposed to happen.”