Beautiful Wisdom Cherity Prince-Phillips

Pennies: The change that is weighing me down and not getting me anywhere.

Lukeman Excercise Part Two/ Cherity Prince-Phillips

I picked the exercise where one needed to drop a bombshell and make it stronger by colon use. I wanted to try it in two different places.

Version: Old

He knew while brushing his teeth that it would be the last time. He smelled it in the air and it was sweet. He tasted it, so forgiving, in every breath. Night fell upon him. He opened his arms to the darkness.
He looked up at the sky when the earth surrounded his body. His soul escaped him. He closed his eyes and gave his body to the earth. Many hours passed. The sun kissed the night good day. The light came and found him there, smiling.

Version: New

He knew while brushing his teeth that it would be the last time. He smelled it in the air and it was sweet. He tasted it, so forgiving, in every breath. Night fell upon him: he opened his arms to the darkness.
He looked up at the sky: the earth surrounded his body. His soul escaped him. He closed his eyes and gave his body to the earth. Many hours passed. The sun kissed the night good day. The light came and found him there, smiling.

I like the difference it makes by setting it up, to what he was going to do. I also noticed the difference in where it stressed the meaning. I think stressing the opening to the darkness was more important than the earth surrounding him. So, I would probably take that second colon out. I want to keep it focused. I can use this technique elsewhere as long as it goes along with keeping the focus on embracing death.

Lukeman Excercise Part One/ Cherity M. Prince-Phillips

I did the exercise where one had to imagine a character who thinks in short sentences.

Short sentences: I hate this. It’s cold outside. She’s laughing again while I freeze. If I go inside she’ll tell. I can’t stand it much longer. My fingers are turning blue. She’s almost done. Please, just hurry. I shove my hands in my pockets. It’s warm there away from her. I hate her.

Versus

Long sentences: She’s laughing again, while I freeze in her cold bitterness that permeates the air and suffocates my thoughts. Everything is frozen and blue in her slow calculating movements; if I go inside she will surely tell someone that it was me. So I watch, with my hands in my pockets, hating every minute of her slowness.

This person is a juvenile and he is cold. He’s impatient to be inside. The shortness is supposed to convey both the hurried thoughts and the coldness of both the outside and the girl. I think the short sentences work better because you feel more like you are the character versus you are watching the character. The shortness helps bring out his irritation. This lesson helped me understand the differences in how to push one's character across in a more believable way.