Lukeman Excercise Part Two/ Cherity Prince-Phillips

I picked the exercise where one needed to drop a bombshell and make it stronger by colon use. I wanted to try it in two different places.

Version: Old

He knew while brushing his teeth that it would be the last time. He smelled it in the air and it was sweet. He tasted it, so forgiving, in every breath. Night fell upon him. He opened his arms to the darkness.
He looked up at the sky when the earth surrounded his body. His soul escaped him. He closed his eyes and gave his body to the earth. Many hours passed. The sun kissed the night good day. The light came and found him there, smiling.

Version: New

He knew while brushing his teeth that it would be the last time. He smelled it in the air and it was sweet. He tasted it, so forgiving, in every breath. Night fell upon him: he opened his arms to the darkness.
He looked up at the sky: the earth surrounded his body. His soul escaped him. He closed his eyes and gave his body to the earth. Many hours passed. The sun kissed the night good day. The light came and found him there, smiling.

I like the difference it makes by setting it up, to what he was going to do. I also noticed the difference in where it stressed the meaning. I think stressing the opening to the darkness was more important than the earth surrounding him. So, I would probably take that second colon out. I want to keep it focused. I can use this technique elsewhere as long as it goes along with keeping the focus on embracing death.